1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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