I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
