you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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