It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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