He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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