Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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