you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
