I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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