how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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