can we get nightvision for the apartment?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
