My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
