the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.