Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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