dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
