I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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