So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
