I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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