i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
