Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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