So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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