i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
