what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
