I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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