i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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