I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
