??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
