The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
