nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
