I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
