Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
