from now on my penis is your penis
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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