Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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