Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
