I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
