I wish I could teleport
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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