good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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