I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
