i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
