I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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