I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
