I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Randomize
