Whatcha textin bout Willis?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im six kinds of drunk right now
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
