so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
