I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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