bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She is in my trunk
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So many bounce houses so little time
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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