twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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