What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
