No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
