I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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