she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
