3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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