life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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