You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
