things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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