do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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