i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
