she woke up with a sticky ear
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is that a dick in a sweater?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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