I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
