the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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