Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
