Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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