There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
