Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
