This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
